My Achievement Complex

This past weekend was the Indianapolis Mini-Marathon, in which I did not participate.  I made the decision a few months ago to not run the race due to some reoccurring knee pain when I ran.  I thought that I had mourned that loss; however, that was apparently not the case.

My brother and his roommate (Hi, David & Garrett!) ran.  Jonathan and I went to dinner with them Friday night and watched them carbo-load.  (Meanwhile, we were faithful to our detox diet.)  They talked about their training; their injuries; their goals for the next day.

I cried as I drove home that night.  I wanted to be able to participate so badly; I wanted to be carbo-loading; I wanted to be lamenting about how I hadn’t trained hard enough; I wanted to be setting my alarm that night for an un-godly hour the next morning so that I could brave the weather and run with 35,000 of my closest friends.

In light of this, I realized that I have an achievement complex.  I feel like I need to achieve lofty goals to feel good about myself or impress others or feel worthy.  I’ve run half-marathons for the last 4 years, and I’ve felt pretty darn good about those accomplishments.  Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with setting goals and achieving them…unless your identity becomes wrapped up in it…which is where I apparently went wrong. 

And so, Saturday night, as I was praying about how worthless I felt since I wasn’t able to achieve my “feel good” half-marathon for the year, it dawned on me that He loves me for me.  Just as I am.  No striving or achievements.  No accomplishments or accolades.  Simply me…because I am His.

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~ by Serena on May 13, 2011.

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