Just Call Me Jacob.
You may have noticed that I haven’t been writing much about God lately. There’s a reason for that. God and I have been…well… wrestling. (You may as well just call me Jacob. Don’t be surprised if I’m limping down the aisle in June.)
I realized a few months ago that I don’t really ask God for things because I feel that He’s passive about me. I pray, but it’s mostly for other people – my friend Amy and her battle with cancer, my friend Katie’s job search, etc. When I used to work with my old counselor, Darcy, she would ask things like, “Why don’t you ask God to send you friends if you’re lonely?” Her suggestions usually left me dumbfounded (which would then make me feel somewhat stupid – why didn’t I think to ask God for that?).
In light of my revelation that I view God as passive about me – and how I consequentially don’t ask for things as a result – I decided to make a request. (It came from a genuine heart, not one that was challenging or testing.) God, blow me away with Your love this week.
The next few days (the week before Christmas) were straight from Hell.
My printer needed everything (multiple print pieces since we were shutting down over break) on Tuesday afternoon, a day sooner than we originally planned. Naturally, my boss was nowhere to be found to proof said pieces. On top of that, our internet connection at work was down, which required multiple trips to physically deliver the files instead of sending them digitally. Echoing in my head was my prayer, God, blow me away with Your love this week.
The next morning while getting ready for work, I threw up. I have no idea what happened. I had my same breakfast and same vitamins as usual. Afterwards, I felt fine and proceeded to work. I couldn’t help but wonder if God was proving His passivity towards me after my previous prayer, God, blow me away with Your love this week.
I could go on and on with examples (there were plenty more, trust me), but I won’t. Suffice it to say, I didn’t feel very loved by God.
Jonathan asked a poignant question, “What does it look like to be blown away with His love? “ That’s just it. I honestly don’t know. But I wouldn’t think it would include a week where everything seemed to go wrong.
I was unpacking all of the above with my friend Julie, when she said, “Serena, don’t you get it? The end of that week was Christmas, the celebration of God sending His Son to earth to die for our sins. What more could He do to blow you away with His love?”
I suppose she’s right. I didn’t necessarily know what I was looking for when I prayed my prayer, but I was hoping for a more personal expression of His love rather than a grand sweeping gesture for all mankind.
In the meantime, I’m still wrestling. Just call me Jacob.