Looking at Him

“Look at Him,” the neon pink sticky note that sat on my desk read.  That day at staff prayer, we were all given post-its with words, phrases, and sentences uttering prayers to God.  As prayer ended, our pastor encouraged us to take our notes to our desks and pray them throughout the day, which I did.

I will freely admit, looking at Him was not my first reaction when I received a startling phone call that afternoon.

“Serena, we got the results of your pap smear, and they are abnormal.  We want you to come in as soon as possible to have some biopsies.”

For ten years, I have had pap smears, and every year they came back normal.  The thought never even crossed my mind that the results could be anything other than normal.  Until now. 

Naturally, my mind went to the worst case scenario: that it was cancer, that I wouldn’t be able to have kids, and that I’d be dead in three years.  On the other hand, family and friends tried to reassure me that it could simply be a false negative – or something easily treatable – so I could be freaking out for nothing. 

After a few days of panic, prayer, and having my life flash before my eyes, I mentally came to a place of peace, reassuring myself that God is still good and loves me, regardless of the test results. 

The biopsy (painful as it was) came and went.  Lab results showed that I have precancerous cells, but doctors are so not concerned that we’re taking no action other than me going twice a year to monitor it.

I’ll admit, I’m still not thrilled with the “c” word being associated with my body, even if it has the prefix “pre.” But in general, I’m pleased with the outcome since it’s seemingly a non-issue right now. 

This side of the diagnosis, it’s easy for me to say that God is good.  I would like to believe that I’d still claim the same, even if it were a different outcome.

Regardless, I don’t think it was a coincidence that my sticky note that day said, “Look at Him.”  It remains on my desk as a daily, visual reminder that that’s what I am to do, even in the midst of fear and waiting.

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~ by Serena on March 24, 2010.

2 Responses to “Looking at Him”

  1. My eyes too frequently wander… thank you for the reminder of where our eyes should be. And the waiting is SO hard… I’m glad the news was good news, but uncertaintly is a vehicle through which faith can grow, isn’t it?

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